If, for example, you can’t get the respect you desire from your kids, the affection you may want from your mate or that compliment you feel you deserve, you will want to determine what it is that these other parties need from you first. You just must not be oblivious to their cries for attention, respect or acknowledgment if you want to get whatever it is that you yourself are asking for. Dr. Denis Waitley has popularized this “if he or she wins, you win too” approach to life in his best selling audio tape series called the “Psychology of Winning”.

In striving to have your own needs met in the way both Dr. Waitley and I are suggesting, you can bring such exchanges to the level where magic can be the result. Suppose, for example, that you need a good dependable car for which you do not have a lot of money. Toward that end, let’s say you have found one that you think will work from a private party. How you honored him or her with your courteousness, grooming and the clothes you wore, went for that test ride, reviewed the mechanicals and talked and negotiated, all told the seller how much value you place on your own wants. If you did an adequate job, the two of you will have a relatively happy transaction.

However, when you are able to trust enough in a Higher Power to move your own needs out of the way, knowing that they will in some way be met, you take this exchange to an even higher level. It is here that you show the other party that you genuinely care about them by taking an active interest in their needs. It is here that you make a point of getting to know how your proposed transaction will benefit them. It is here that you take the time and expend the energy to get to know just a little bit about what they are all about.

In the case of the car, you might find out, for example, that they are selling it so their daughter can buy a less expensive one and use the difference to buy a computer for her schoolwork. As the hearts begin to connect, you just might remember a friend who has a good used such electronic machine for sale. In the joy and feeling of connectedness that results, other helpful ideas may even come into the conversation.
Often, as a result, the seller just might throw in a few extras, make a better price for you or forewarn you about any problems the vehicle might develop in the future. You will feel even better about your purchase because you took the time to get the know the former owner. You will have the sense that this person took care of their vehicle as best as he or she could. It will just feel like a safer automobile because you will know that the seller also had your welfare in mind when he or she sold it to you.

When we approach all people in this way, everyone benefits. When we see waiters and guests, children and parents, even supermarket and post office clerks and customers as people we want to win with, we transcend the ordinary with all of our exchanges. Whether we are buying from them or whether they are buying from us, whether they take orders from us or we from them, the prospects for a happier, much more propitious exchange are greatly enhanced when we love ourselves enough to take a genuine interest in the other party’s needs.
To be effective in the world, then, we must make a healthy balanced Self Love the most important tool in our mountain moving toolbox. Balance with regard to self love is a true art form. It is a tedious tight rope walk. It requires constant recognition of the needs of one’s ego, narcissism, and self absorption in the face of a genuine selflessness, helpfulness and caring.

In the words ahead a good way to keep yourself on track in this regard is to think of the work you are doing as a way to improve yourself FOR others. Think of the ways you are making your own self better as enhancements to the gift you are building for others to receive.